Britni :)

I want to runaway. I feel like I’m about to explode, like I’m a ticking time bomb. My life is filled with happiness and smiles, but I’m the only one who’s smile hides up all the pain and faults. I am so insecure, it ruins my relationship. When I’m in that mode, it’s like I don’t see myself and I can’t control what I say. This tends to bite me in the ass after I realize what I’d just said. Is this real? Is my relationship real? Why do I feel this way?… How can I change myself? I have no idea. Nothing seems to make me happy, and when I truly feel happy with myself something comes up and thrashes it, and I’m afraid I’ll never get back to that smile… that laughter, or that satisfaction of life I once had. I wonder where I’d be of everything was different. I don’t wanna end up like my mom, as sad as that sounds. Or my dad. I want to break through that cycle of depending on other people to make me happy, and support me. I need to break free and be my own person. My entire life I have never had that moment where it all depended on me, and I’m afraid if that time ever comes, I’m gonna make the biggest mistake of my life. I wish my jealousy would disappear, and I could be living my life knowing nothing will ever stand in my way. I have a reason for life, but I also have a reason to hate it. I always lean towards the negative side, though. Why do I always do this? Maybe I’m still stuck in adolescent years. I am still very young, but I feel like I’m living a 30 year old’s life. I have the life a 30 year old woman wants while she lives the life I always thought i’d have. Yes, sometimes I want to run… far away so I will never feel the emptiness that lingers within me. Why don’t I feel good enough? He says I am, but I don’t feel like I truly am. I can’t be happy with myself, because I feel like I failed me. And, I feel like I failed my son. I can’t give him the life that I always dreamed about giving my kids; opposite of my failed childhood. Some say I’m bi-polar… but I don’t wanna bring myself to admit it. Because I don’t think I am. I promise I won’t give up… but I’m close to falling off the edge of this “beautiful” life.